From Roommates to Soulmates: Rekindling Romance in Midlife Marriage

I know from experience what it feels like to be roommates. 

It's like...not anything special really.  You do your own thing.  You go your own way.  You are kind of like two ships passing in the night, right?  Ick.  I don't want my marriage to feel like that.  Even though I have the experience (at least in my mind) of feeling that way, it's not what I want.

One of my favorite questions is...what do I want?  Or...what do you want?

Do you ever feel like you and your spouse have become more like roommates than romantic partners? The passion that once ignited your relationship may have cooled, replaced by routine, responsibilities, and the busyness of midlife. If you’ve been together for years, especially if you’re navigating the empty nest phase, it’s natural for your relationship to evolve. But that doesn’t mean you have to settle for a lackluster connection.  What do you really want?

The good news? Romance isn’t something that just fades with time—it’s something we can cultivate, rekindle, and even deepen in midlife. Here’s how to move from being roommates to soulmates again.

1. Recognize the Shift and Recommit

The first step in rekindling romance is awareness. Acknowledge the changes in your relationship and how they’ve affected your intimacy. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about how you both feel.  Here's my favorite tip:  Ask your spouse, "so...do you think our marriage could be improved?"  Or some aspect of that.  You will probably get the answer of ... "Yes, of course."

2. Reignite Emotional Connection Through Deep Conversations

When was the last time you had a deep, meaningful conversation that wasn’t about work, the kids, or logistics? Emotional intimacy is the foundation of romantic connection.

Try these conversation starters:

• “What’s something you’ve always wanted to do together but we haven’t yet?”
• “What’s a memory from our early days that still makes you smile?”
• “What are your biggest dreams for the next five years?”

Rekindling emotional connection starts with genuine curiosity about your partner’s inner world.

3. Prioritize Physical Touch and Affection

Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s also about small, meaningful touches that say, I see you, I desire you, I love you.

Try this: Make a conscious effort to touch your partner daily—whether it’s a long hug, holding hands, a playful touch in passing, or cuddling on the couch. Studies show that physical touch releases oxytocin, the "love hormone," which deepens connection and trust.  I'm just going to say here that my husband is not a couch cuddler.  I have to find other ways.  I think you get the point...do what works for you!  

4. Bring Back the Fun and Flirtation

Remember the excitement of flirting with your partner when you first started dating? That playfulness doesn’t have to disappear just because you’ve been together for decades.

• Send a flirty text during the day.
• Leave a love note in their car or by the coffee maker.
• Plan a spontaneous date night.
• Dance in the kitchen to your favorite song.

Playfulness is one of the secrets to keeping love alive.

5. Create New Experiences Together

Routines can be comforting, but they can also make relationships feel stagnant. One of the best ways to reignite passion is by creating new experiences together.

• Take a weekend getaway to a place you’ve never been. 
• Try a new hobby as a couple—cooking classes, dancing, hiking, or even skydiving!  (I would never skydive, but you do you!)
• Start a project together that excites you.

New experiences create novelty, which stimulates attraction and deepens connection.

6. Nourish Your Individual Growth

One of the best ways to be a more engaged, attractive partner is to keep growing as an individual. When both partners continue to evolve, they bring fresh energy to the relationship.  (I'm really good at this!)

• Explore personal passions and hobbies.
• Invest in self-care and confidence-building practices.
• Encourage each other’s dreams and goals.

The more fulfilled you are individually, the more you bring to the relationship.

7. Prioritize Intimacy (Yes, That Kind Too!)

A fulfilling physical connection doesn’t just happen—it requires intentionality. Open communication about intimacy is key. Talk about what you both enjoy, what you’d like to explore, and how to keep this part of your relationship alive and thriving.  Read Emily Nagoski's "Come Together"!  Find your play and pleasure!

Set aside time for intimacy, remove distractions, and approach it with a sense of curiosity and fun.

8. Express Gratitude Often

It’s easy to focus on what’s lacking in a long-term relationship. But shifting your focus to what’s right can transform your connection.

Make it a habit to express appreciation for your partner. A simple “Thank you for making my coffee,” or “I love how you always make me laugh” can go a long way in making your partner feel seen and valued.

Final Thoughts: A Love That Grows With You

Marriage in midlife can be an opportunity to create a deeper, richer, more connected love—one based on history, trust, and a renewed commitment to each other. By prioritizing emotional connection, playfulness, physical intimacy, and growth, you can transition from being roommates to true soulmates.

Love isn’t just something that happens to us; it’s something we choose to cultivate. Why not start today?

For help in reviving your midlife marriage, click the button below for a complimentary discovery call.